Art and Media: October 2003 Archives
Today I thought it would be nice to write Joe Mozian a thank you letter for letting me audition on his show "My Life is a Sitcom". Here is my letter:
Dear Joe,
All of the beautiful young ladies from LA that coached us in the hall on how to behave before our audition with you had a number of good tips that I thought you would appreciate:
1. Ssssssh
2. Be quiet
3. This is a comedy show, be funny!
4. Talk loudly!
5. Be quiet
6. Give him shit, right back, you guys are here because you’re loud.
7. Be quiet.
8. You’ll have to wait while he auditions Ben Franklin.
9. Ssssssh.
You might remember me: I am the one of the non-actors that is unemployed and selling all his family’s old stuff on eBay. I know my family only has my best interest in mind, but, my dining room is filled with everybody’s junk! My daughter brought me all of her beany babies to sell, there must be hundreds, and she wants to make a million dollars. My father sent me fishing reels. My mom keeps bringing me nasty, dusty old books. My wife keeps telling me to bring things up from the basement and sell it. Now, I have a full time job sending everybody’s trash all over the world. This is not the job I wanted.
You asked me a good question during the audition which I did not have a good answer for. I have thought about what I should have said (as you always do), so I thought I would write you an email to tell you my answer.
Here is your question: “So Ralph, what is wrong with kids today?”
My answer, after some thought is (in an especially cranky voice): "Don’t get me started, Joe, these kids today are too noisy. They’re loud. I dunno, you guys played outside, you weren’t that noisy. Today they walk louder, I think, they talk louder, their games are loud, Joe, ...tell them to turn it down! I’m worried about these kids. They're fast too; kids are much faster today, and they are always hanging around. Ya know. They are always around. Why aren’t they in school?"
Good answer? So Joe, HIRE ME!
Best regards,
Ralph
My wife and kids were thrilled and appalled that I got a call back for "My Life is a Sitcom". Never having done this before, I can say that I was surprised as well. There were about thrity fifty year olds at the audtion this morning when I arrived at Faneuil Hall at around 10:00 am. Lots of disorganied crew members were running around with walkie talkies, trying desperately to get themselves organized for the audition. All the actors and comedians went first, they were told not to say that they were actors or comedians, just to say that they were regular people. Remember, this is a scripted reality sitcom, so professional actors, I guess, are required to make it funny.
After the stand up comedians and the actors, the wannabes stood getting ready for our 2 minute date with Joe Mozian. We stood in the hallway outside Fanueil Hall, being told to be quite every few minutes. How can you stay quite, while also building up your energy to audition for a roll as a Dad in a Sitcom? It took all our energy away. Also, a lovely women kept coming out saying, THIS SHOW IS A COMEDY, BE FUNNY!
What a gas.
Finally it was my turn. I walked in with a big smile, and Joe said, HI DAD! I introduce myself, talked about being from Boston and described the business I am creating on ebay. Joe asked me two questions I wasn't prepared for: "So Ralph, what's wrong with kids today?" ..and.. "Ralph, What should every kid know, that they don't know right now?"
Of course there are many things I could say, but here are the two things that I said: For the trouble of kids question I did a riff on the fact that as a old man, kids are noisy and do noisy things. It gets worse as they get older. For the question on what kids should learn to do, I did a riff on tinkering and fixing stuff, since no one knows how to fix anything anymore. I've lost perspective on how I did, (remember, I am not an actor), so I don't know if I was funny or not, hopefully I had good energy.
Next we looked a picture of Joe's Dad and I was instructed to at the camera and look worried, angry, and disgusted. As a Dad, these are all things I know how to do.
I'll be surprised if I get called back.
My wife nearly chocked to death when she heard who I was talking to. I thought that I had totally humiliated myself, but they must have liked that about me. I wish I watched TV, then I would fell more confident about my call back.
I don't watch much TV and I am not a funny guy, but somehow my wife convinced me to audtion for a real life sitcom pilot to be cast in Boston and filmed in LA. She said I was perfect, I am old and I was a Dad. I looked at Joe Mozian's site and the guy is really funny. I don't think he'd say the same about my site.
To get in the mood, my wife and I thought about how funny our life is. The audition was in Boston at the Nine Zero hotel. There is no parking on Tremont Street in the middle of Boston, so my wife waited in the car with my daughter while I auditioned. My daughter, who is fifteen, was mad. We picked her up from a sleep over at a friends, just to have her sit in the car with her Mom, while I audtioned for a stupid show to play an old guy. She came up to my audition, mad as a wet hen, to pester me and demand how much longer it was going to take. It was another happy family moment, that I will cherish.
This is a possible opening sequence for a web site I am building for my friend Frank Sacci, who is a composer living in LA. Let me know what you think.
I found this image as I was surfing today at Done Talking, a photo weblog. It reminded me of the new tunnel in Boston, which looks like this.
Take a look at my new "about me" page on ebay. It lists all my current auctions. I am currently selling my collection of rare jazz albums. I am hoping others will recognize their value! I am discovering my inner merchant.
